New Parent Forum

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

That’s just not true. Name-calling hurts — especially when the person doing it is a parent, a teacher, or a coach. Yelling and screaming might have been the way you were brought up and you might think it worked for you, so why wouldn’t it work for your kids? But did it? Remember how it made you feel. You probably felt belittled, devalued, and insignificant. You certainly don’t want your own children to feel that way.   It may cause emotional trauma that can result in long-term hurt. Among other things, verbal abuse can undermine your child’s self-esteem, damage his ability to trust and form relationships, and chip away at his academic and social skills. Name-calling, swearing, insulting, threatening bodily harm, blaming or using sarcasm are all forms of verbal abuse.

What are the signs that a child is suffering from verbal abuse?  They may have a very negative self-image.  They may commit acts that are self-destructive, such as cutting, hitting or scratching themselves, as well as other reckless and dangerous activities. They may exhibit physical aggression, be delinquent in school, or display interpersonal problems.  They may hit other children, frequently fight with classmates at school, or be cruel to animals.  They may also exhibit delays in their social, physical, academic or emotional development.

Recent research suggests that children who suffer from verbal abuse are highly likely to become victims of abuse later in life, become abusive themselves, or become depressed and self-destructive later in life

It’s normal for most parents at one time or another to feel frustrated and angry with their children.  They may lash out verbally in these instances and say things they later regret.  It’s when these instances become more and more frequent that there is cause for concern.  If this describes you, it’s imperative that you seek professional help to learn more positive, meaningful and constructive forms of discipline, and for help in learning methods to control your anger.  Remember to give yourself a time out if you feel an outburst coming on.  Try to refrain from saying mean, sarcastic or belittling things to your child.  Remember, your child learns what he lives.  Don’t be a bad example and teach him bad behavior early on.

Remember that your child is a precious gift and should be treated with love, kindness, respect and tenderness.  If you exhibit these to your child on a daily basis, they will learn what they live and grow to do the same as adults.

Your child’s showing all the signs of being ready to potty train. That’s great! But now, where do you start?
Explain to your toddler that going potty is a normal process of life and everyone does it, even animals. Talk with them about the toilet, a special place where they can potty just like the big kids. Tell him how the potty works and let him try flushing himself. Explain that they will be wearing underwear and not diapers.  Find some educational and entertaining videos of their favorite characters learning to go potty. Be sure to involve other family members in the process and emphasize the importance of consistency during this process.
Make a special trip to the store and purchase new underwear with your toddler.  Let them have a voice in what you get. The underwear will have much more significance if your toddler helped choose them.
Overalls, pants with lots of buttons, snaps or zips, tight or restrictive clothing and oversized shirts will all be an obstacle to your child during this process. Put these kinds of clothes away for the time being.
Decide whether or not you’re going to use pull-ups, training pants or regular underwear and try to stick with this decision so your child has consistency and isn’t confused. Think about whether or not you want to use rewards or not. Figure out a strategy on how to handle potty issues when you’re away from home.
If your child is in child care, ask your provider for their advice and make sure there aren’t any hard and fast rules the center or caregiver has in place that may be an issue. Let them know that you’re going to start and enlist their help with the process.
Praise your child for each successful trip to the potty, and comfort them when accidents happen and try to remain patient and calm when they do. Avoid using candy or other treats as reinforcement. Let them know that it will take a while to get the hang of using the potty, and encourage and praise each attempt they make.  With consistency, encouragement and praise, they’ll soon be completely trained.

We watch our children grow right before our very eyes.  It seems like yesterday they were a baby learning to crawl, walk, and feed themselves, and now they’re in school, involved in activities, making friends, and learning to be more and more independent.  Parents before us have said that from the time they’re born, we are constantly learning to let go.  As a result, our parenting strategies have to change. As our child grows, develops, learns, and matures, so does our parenting role.

As your child has grown, you undoubtedly have discovered they have their own unique personality and temperament.  You’ve probably unconsciously redeveloped your parenting skills around the individual needs of your child.  And no two children are exactly alike, and therefore, neither should your parenting style.  Some children may need more guidance and feel more unsure of themselves, so we’ve become used to having to guide, lead, show and encourage that child consistently through their childhood while still trying to encourage independence and give praise in order to build their self esteem and confidence level.  Yet another child may be very intrinsically motivated and very willful and not need a great deal of guidance or leadership from you. While you encourage their independence, it’s also important that you also encourage their ability to ask for help when needed and continue to praise good deeds, actions, and traits.

The most important tools we have in order to successfully adjust our parenting skills are our eyes and our ears.  We have to see what’s going on with our child and we have to hear what they are telling us.  It’s important that we encourage our child to be their own individual while still being available to them at whatever level or degree they need us to be.  Sometimes it’s situation-specific as well.  A child may not need us to be as directly involved with their schooling to ensure their overall academic success, but they may need us to be more involved in their social life as they may be feeling a bit shaky or scared when it comes to making new friends or meeting new people.

So the bottom line is this:  as your child grows and changes, so should your parenting skills.  Keep your eyes and ears open and communicate honestly and openly with your child, and you’ll both mature gracefully.

Expect the best from your child.  If you expect the best behavior and performance you’re your child, it’s often what you will get.  Children pick up on our beliefs about them, form a self-concept that matches that belief, and perform accordingly. If we expect them to be lazy, they’ll be lazy, which will confirm our expectations for them, and the cycle toward failure is started. If, on the other hand, we expect our kids to be successful, productive, creative, and responsible and honestly believe it to be true, then our children can’t help but rise to the occasion and confirm our best opinions of them with their positive actions. So expect nothing but the best from your children and watch them fulfill your expectations.
Praise your child often when they perform a good deed or accomplish a new task.  Set simple, clear and consistent rules so your child knows exactly what is expected and the consequences of misbehaving or breaking the rules. Maintain a consistent daily routine for your child as much as possible, and make sure your child gets lots of physical activity and time to play and socialize with their friends.  Encourage your child to learn how to make appropriate choices, and encourage your child to do things for themselves. Allow your child to talk about strong feelings, which will help them work through their anger and frustration.
Above all, be a positive role model for your child, as their strongest educator is your example.  Take care of yourself, and expect the best from yourself.  Make appropriate choices and be firm yet fair when disciplining your child. Make sure to spend lots of quality time with your child, and encourage them to become involved in activities that foster cooperation and a sense of accomplishment.  If you have great expectations of your child, you’ll be greatly pleased in the end.

Sometimes it can be very challenging to communicate anything with your child.  Setting clear expectations regarding what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t imperative to successfully teaching your child right from wrong.  If the parameters are muddled or the child learns that in one situation the rules hold true yet in another situation the same rule does not, it makes for confusion and frustration on both sides.

Sit down with your child well in advance and line out the expectations and consequences of misbehaving or a misdeed.  Make it clear that in no uncertain terms is there any room for negotiation at the time of the infraction, and that should such a behavior occur you intend to be firm in your discipline.  Rules regarding your child’s safety, health or well-being should have no room for negotiation when being set or enforced.  Other rules can be openly and honestly discussed with your child and an agreed upon action should be forged that both parents and child can agree upon.  If necessary, make a contract between parent and child.  Lay it all out in black and white, in language your child can clearly understand.  For younger children, you might want to develop a good behavior chart within the contract, and for each week that goes by without any infractions being noted, a favorite or special activity might be earned.  The connection between good deeds and special time with mom and/or dad might be just the currency they understand.

But all children need to understand that disciplining them is your way of teaching them what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t.  It may seem as though children fight rules and regulations, but they truly know that such parameters are meant for their well-being, health, safety, and enable them to grow into a mature person capable of making wise decisions.